


Finding Dean Winchester

by uddelhexe



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Boys Kissing, Coda, Destiel - Freeform, Episode: s14e09 The Spear, In Dean's mind, M/M, Maybe some light smut in the second chapter, Project:Kick Micheal out of Dean, Revelations, Tags May Change, Tattoos, True Love, asshole michael, soulbond, special bond
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-01-02
Packaged: 2019-10-03 05:29:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17277971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uddelhexe/pseuds/uddelhexe
Summary: Michael is back inside of Dean. And very confident, that they all can do nothing to beat him.He even let’s them inside of Deans mind. He wants to show  how much defeated Dean Winchester is.But is he really?Is there nothing to bring him back?





	1. I give you lead

**Author's Note:**

> Some of you will recognize later that I used the first lines in a second story too. A very dark one. But this is not so dark.  
>  Angsty: yes. But Darkfic: no.
> 
> There will be a happy ending. Sort of. And Destiel. And if I really dare to…maybe a bit smut. But I’m still a bit shy about writing that. Thehehehe
> 
> And yes...I am working on my others storys too....be patient. I am sorry for being slow :.-(  
> \-----------------------------------------

 

“I left a door open…just a tiny bit. So I can go back…”

This couldn’t really be happening to them. Castiel watched in horror as Deans face began to show the strange presentation of Michels facial expression instead of his own. There was nothing left of the Dean they had spoken too only minutes ago.

He should have known that it had been too good to be true. That there had been a reason that Michel had left Dean. Should he have known that Michael had left open a back door to Dean’s mind? Perhaps if he had looked closer?

Castiel felt so helpless. He only could watch Michael talk and using Dean’s body to do so. It was so hard to watch this. To see the halo of Michael’s grace emanating from Dean’s human form and hiding the light of his soul so very deep inside.

And then Michael raised his hand and snapped his fingers. Just like that the rest of Dean Winchester’s form vanished and again he was wearing the stiff clothes Michael had come to like himself in. Layers of clothes. A brown coat, the slacked hair and this terrible unwavering little smile on Dean’s face.

“I see…you still don’t believe me, do you? That he is all gone? That you can do nothing to bring your brother back?”

“You’re right” answered Sam: “ I don’t believe you: He defeated you once…he survived hell. He will fight you and will beat you out of his body once more.”

“Hmmm…I wouldn’t be so sure about that, Samuel. What about I show you how confident I am that you’ll never find him. Let alone bring him back to the surface?”

Perhaps there was hope. Arrogance always had been Michael’s biggest weakness. He just didn’t know it. If they could borrow themselves some time to find Dean somewhere in there…they’d do it. Castiel would go down there to dig for him himself if he ever got the chance.

“I tell you what…and just because you’ve been playing along with my games so well lately. I let you tie me up in that fancy handcuffs your buddies invented and you get your shot in finding Dean. How does that sound?”

How did he know about the handcuffs Bobby had worked on?

Sam tried his best to hide is surprise. He couldn’t give Michael one bit of advantage in that matter. And showing that he was one step ahead was pretty much an advantage. Like playing chess one had to try to be the one chasing, never the player being chased.

Sam cleared his throat and tried to stand as tall and confident as possible: “You’d do that? What if you lose? What if we cast you out of your precious vessel? What will you do next?”

Michael grinned even wider. His smirk was filled with  pity and despise.

“You poor ape. I will not lose this. I am in here. There is nothing left for you to take back. And the moment you come to realize that I’m right will destroy your last hope too. I only can win. So….”

Michael presented his wrists to Sam. He watched the hunters with utter amusement: “ Just tie me up then, I think. Let’s get this over with. And then I can finally dwell in my success when my monsters finally will overcome this filth that you call humanity and clean this planet from it for me.”

Sam looked at Castiel and Jack. All of them knew: no matter how slim the chances where: they had to try this. Because every other option was out.

 

* * *

 

Castiel rarely had the urge to punch Dean in the face. But that ugly and satisfied looking smirk that Michael never stopped putting on Dean’s face… it was too much. Too much to see Dean like that.

If he could rip it of his face without killing Dean, he’d do it.

He was sure that Sam was on board with his thoughts as well. The tauntness in the younger brother’s body was visible to everybody standing in the room.

They were back in the bunker. Michael sitting in one of the librarie’s chairs. He was calm and seemed totally unimpressed by what was going on around him. His hands were tied up in handcuffs made from angel-blade steel and with different enochian sigils written on them. The sigils were glowing since Bobby had put the handcuffs on Michael’s wrists.

He’d not been very happy about the fact that they had Michael right in front of them, but Sam, and the others refused to take care of him in a final way…like plunging some blades into his heart or burn him down with holy oil. They explained to him, that there was an archangel blade needed to do so and the only one left was hidden in the bunker somewhere only Sam knew where to find it…and Castiel.

A normal angel blade was not able to kill an archangel at full power. They knew that much. It was merely able to weaken him a little. And if holy oil could kill him…they were not so sure either. Maybe they would be able to destroy the current vessel of the archangel that was Dean, but his grace was on another table…and the grace was what they wanted to be destroyed at the end of the war.

Bobby agreed that is was somehow their best shot to get Dean the hell out of his mental prison and kick Michael out of his sword asap. He at least would have to search for a new and weaker vessel…and that’d be at least better than nothing and perhaps buy them some time.

Mary was about to fix some cables at Sam’s head, like the ones Dean was already wearing. Michael just closed his eyes and grinned.

“I might give you a little  lead inside there. Just to show you what a great sport I am. But don’t think I will let you wander around without trying to find you at some point. And you know…Sammy…that in there you stand no chance against me. You really want to risk all that only to find the remnants of your brother smashed down in some hidden space in his cracked mind? You really think you’re ready for what you will find in here?”

Sam huffed and closed his eyes as well: “I know my brother better than you think. I don’t think there is anything that will really surprise me. You think I don’t know how broken he is? Well…you’re wrong. I know. Better than anyone. Will I be happy to see that? No. But will I be surprised by it…well no.”

Mary gave a sign that she was ready. Sam had explained to her how this men of letters device worked and how to use it.

Castiel placed his hand down on Sam’s shoulder with a firm grip.

“I will go with you, Sam.”

“Cas, you shouldn’t. I know my brother well enough to find my way in there. You should stay out of this...in case…you know…” Sam trailed of.

“What? In case you don’t make it back and Michael starts to fight out here? You saw how much chance I stand against him in a fight. And besides… I know Dean’s mind better than you might think. I have visited it several times…and built him up from scratch after I raised him from hell. I will be of more assistance in there. You shouldn’t go alone without backup.”

Sam knew that the angel was right. And, not that he would admit that out loud, but he was somehow relived not to have to dive into his brother’s mind alone. Backup sounded like a nice thing. And when they had to face Michael in there at some point…he might need Cas more than anything.

Particularly with regard to the special bond the angel still had with brother. Perhaps Cas could not only be backup…but something essential when it came to the point to convince Dean to wake the fuck up.

Mary gave her son a reassuring hug and a warm smile.

“Be careful, Sam. I know you will do this. You will find Dean and bring him back to us. Be safe!”

“You know that I can hear you, Mary? “ Mary winced when Dean’s  voice adressed her. When Michael, who had done such terrible things to her back in the other world, spoke to her with the voice of her beloved son.

“My sons, all three of them, will kick your ass!”

“Sure.” He smiled.

 

* * *

 

Everything was black around him and for one terrible second Castiel was afraid to be back to the Empty again. Panic began to climb up his throat and he didn’t know what to do.

_Calm down_ , he told himself. _Think! You didn’t have a fight. You sure as hell didn’t have any happy moments…so…this is not the Empt!_

“Cas?”

_Sam?!_ Right! He was here with Sam. Sam was with him. They were in Dean’s mind.

“Well…when Michael told us that Dean’s mind is a dark place…I didn’t expect it to be this dark.” He furrowed his brows anxiously. Castiel watched the younger hunter as he stepped beside him.

“It isn’t. Think of it as the entrance hall of a humans mind.”

“You’ve been here before?”

“When I used to speak to Dean in his dreams I had to go here first every time. The mind works more in a multidimensional way. It is not like driving along a road, you know. It is hard to explain but we have to concentrate on what we are going to look for.”

“You sense anything? Can you feel were Dean is in here? Where to go?” Sam asked tentatively.

Castiel didn’t know if he still could do that. Back in time, with the power of heaven and himself at full strength, it had been easy to search for the point the conciseness was sitting in and whirling around. Were the soul of a human was hiding and resting.  He could at least try.

He closed his eyes and let his mind go wide. Wander around the multiple path’s that were Dean Winchester. His memory paths and the little roads to his old hiding places.

The lake was not where he was. Surely Michael didn’t want Dean to be at any place he had happy memories with. So not the lake obviously. That was a shame, thought Castiel. The lake had been one of his favorite places in Dean’s mind too. To watch the hunter sitting there on his chair, drinking a cool beer while fishing and not worrying about a thing…that had been a sight. Sadly he hadn’t been able to see Dean happy like that in years.

The thought of Dean...the deep wish to find him made recognize a tiny light in some new corner. It was far away. Deep inside. It was a territory Castiel had never been in. He had no idea what to find there.

“I think I maybe found him,” he told Sam and signed the Winchester to follow his lead.

“You know what it is we will find there?”

“I have now idea.”

 

* * *

 

“You serious? That looks ridiculous.”

“You look ridiculous. You agreed I could do the decoration this year. You promised it!”

The bartender watched his employee as he stepped up on the little ladder he’d gotten from some dusty room back in the bar.

“Hey, be careful not to fall down, ok? Tonight will be hell in here and I need your help.”

“Nice that this is the only worry you have when thinking of me falling down to the floor and breaking my neck, Dean.”

“I’m just being practical.”

Dean picked up some dirty classes of the bar and brought them to the little sink to wash. Some lonely figure was sitting crouched down at one of the bar stools, face hidden by his hoody.

“Ey, we’re about to close in a few. You’re good, man?”

The figure looked up and his face looked like he’d been hidden by a train. Eyes bloodshot and skin pale.

“Shwnnnn….”

“Okey Shawn, I think you should head home. Your wife will be missing your nice face when waking up in a few hours.”

The man named Shawn fumbled for some dollar notes and threw them on the bar with shaking hands. Dean grabbed them and looked at the other man with pity.

“You know…not that I don’t appreciate that you pay my retirement with your amount of drinking, but perhaps you should start talking to her about what ever problem the two of you have. The reason you don’t want to go home, ya know?”

“Hmmmdn…” grumbled the face under the hoodie and started to walk out of the bar, dangerously swaying but getting along. Dean smiled a sad smile.

Shawn was one of his regular patrons. He came every evening and began drinking until Dean sent him home when they were about to close. It was sad. For some reason Shawn didn’t want to go home. He knew that the man had a home. A house. Children…a wife. But something was wrong. So very wrong that Dean found himself thinking, that he probably should send Shawn away before he drank himself into oblivion. But that wouldn’t help the man. He just would go to another bar…where perhaps nobody was paying attention to him. And nobody tried to water his drinks at some point to lower his alcohol level down at least a bit. Perhaps he should try to find out where the man lived…and talk to his wife. Get him some help…

“Wow, Dean…are you serious with all that light in your window? Hi, Topper! ” The voice of his brother reached him and he looked for the entrance. Sam walked right in, wearing a suite and grinning like he found something ridiculously funny.

“I thought you already were off to Japan by this hour, Sammy?”

“Nah. I took the second flight. It is still fuck o’clock in the morning, but what can I do?”

“Don’t complain on your life, Mr. Big Lawyer. You get a shitload of money for visiting nice places and kicking butt. How is that not awesome?”

Sam sighed and passed the counter to hug his older brother.

“I wish it was that easy. The deal is not safe yet. Wish me luck!”

“Good luck, Sam!” The man on the ladder said with a warm smile.

“Thanks, Topper. Look out for my brother to do no bullshit while I’m out of town.”

The man nodded and continued to decorate the windows with colorful Christmas lights.

“Yeah. Intimidate these little humans on the other site of the planed, my gigantor brother! You sheer high will frighten them to submit to your orders!”

“Jerk!”

“Bitch!”

With some happy laughter Sam exited the bar to get the taxi that was waiting for him outside. The door was nearly closed behind him when it was opened again by someone entering the bar.

Dean looked up. Did Sam forget something?

But it wasn’t Sam. It was two strangers Dean had never seen here before. A man just as tall as his brother who just had left the bar, and a man in a tan trenchcoat.

“We’re about to close. Sorry guys.”

“Uhm. Sorry to interrupt. We…we just arrived in this place and need some help to find someone,” the taller of the two men informed Dean with a puzzled expression on his face. Dean wondered if he had grown a second head or something. Something about the man also seemed slightly familiar, but he couldn’t put a finger on it.

“Well. I know some people around here. Who are you looking for?”


	2. What is the light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They find him. And they find what might be the path for Dean to leave and fight himself out again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There...it is 02:13 in the night...but i promised to edit this right after the first one. Third one will be written tomorrow. Maybe a long one...or if it takes me too long to end the story I might add a fourth chapter.
> 
> Every comment and Kudo pushes me to no end!  
> \-----------------------------------

“Were are we?” Sam looked around. The scene had just changed into a dark street. The road wet from rain and by the look of it, it was somewhere between the middle of the night and the early hours of morning. In front of them was a bar with neon lights advertising the best beer in town and “open ‘til hell freezes over”. By the name it read “Beergatory”, which Sam found was a rather odd name for a bar.

Castiel watched the windows of the little bar with immense interest, but didn’t say a thing. He searched his surroundings for more clues to where to find Dean.  Right that moment was chosen by a late guest to exit the bar in front of them. The tall man went right to a taxi waiting in front of the house.

Sam froze. Had he imagined that a man, just looking like himself, had been coming out of the bar with the strange name tag on it? He poked the angel beside him with his elbow.

“Cas…did you see me taking this taxi over there, or am I starting to get mad already?”

“I saw it too. I think that gives us a clue as where to search for your brother.”

Sam furrowed his brows and gave the tavern a critical look.

“Beergatory?  Really?”

Castiel  shrugged his shoulders while walking towards the closing door.

“Your brother had a strange connection to Purgatory. I think something about the pure feeling of surviving. No big main storys above him, like heaven about to break down or the apocalypse. Just living day by day. He told me several times he found some odd way of having peace in mind by living this way….or being dead. And, well he likes beer.”

Sam rolled his eyes and stopped the door from closing completely with his hand. He had no idea what he was about to find inside this place, but he knew that much about the subconsciousness: they had to be careful. If Dean had himself hidden here for protection or to be away from the world and what it was doing to him, he sure as hell had some wards on to prevent intruders from destroying it. He had already seen himself inside this place. Some part of him was happy, that even in this state he seemed to be part of his brother’s happy place. It heightened his chances to get him out of here.

When they entered the bar, Sam found himself feeling somehow cozy inside. The bar was a nice old style one with one counter made of dark wood with marks of life and use in it like little carvings and some colors that obviously hadn’t been able to be removed. The lights were in a warm tone and behind the bar the bartender was polishing a glas with a blue towel.

The bartender looked at the new guest and informed them, that the bar was about to close.

Sam could not stop to stare at the man behind the wooden bar who watched him curiously. The man didn’t seem to recognize him. And this should have been the case for the man surely was his brother. The one they were searching.

If Dean didn’t know him, that must be one of the wardings he had put up in order to save his happy place from being crushed.

Sam needed a second to collect himself. He told Dean that they searched for someone and Dean offered to help them without hesitation.

“We had a long journey to come here. I don’t want to impose and you told us that you’re about to close, but would it be too much to ask for something to drink first. We just want to sit for a second and then we can find out if you can actually help us.”

“Normally I would not do that…because I’m beat…but you look like you had a rough day too…so I’ll make an exception. But don’t tell anybody. What can I get you two?”

“Two coke would be enough. Thank you.”

Castiel hadn’t said a single word since they’d entered the bar. He walked behind Sam as he took place at a tiny table in the back corner of the bar. Far away from the bartender.

“What do you think, Cas? How should we do this?”

“I don’t know. I’m actually thinking about that too. Dean’s mind shields him from the knowing who we are. That means his mind could see us as a threat at the moment we try to really talk to him outside of this realm too much. If he shuts us out of here…”

“We’re screwed.” Sam ended the thought.

Dean chose this moment to bring them two classes of Cola to their table.

“Here. Drink out and think of the information you can give me about the guy you’re searching for. But…first things first: you’re not some killers searching for someone to…” he made a gesture with his finger as if slicing his throat. Dean was such a dork, Sam thought. He giggled about the assumption.

“No. Actually it is my brother we’re searching for. He moved and we somehow lost contact and the last I know is he came to this town. But no murder attempts. We’re close and that we lost each other was more by accident actually. I think he will be happy to see, that I am searching for him.”

Sam tried a shy smile and hoped, that he hadn’t said too much. But Dean seemed pleased with the answer.

“I can relate to that. I have a brother too. I cannot think of losing him. Family is so important. I will continue cleaning up and join your guys in a few.”

 

* * *

 

When Dean walked back to his tasks of cleaning he looked for the other man working at the window.

“Are you done already? How long are you going to work on this? One more light and some plane will land on the house when we turn this shit on.”

“Oh, will you shut up already? It is perfect and you know it. Don’t question my exquisite taste on the Christmas decoration!”

Sam and Cas watched the heavy tattooed man stepping down the little ladder, that he had used to set up the lights in the high window. The black muscle shirt displayed many of his tattoos to watch at. It was too dark to see much of it. But it seemed that his back as well as his arms was completely covered in black ink. A ragged and washed blue Jeans completed his outfit and with his short black hair worked up into a wild looking sex hair mane he really suited this place a lot.

The man walked to join Dean behind the bar and approached him until only inches separated their faces.

“You know you love how I do things. Don’t pretend you don’t or you might be forced use the couch for tonight.”

“Oh…I wouldn’t risk that. I deeply apologize to the master of holiday decorations.”

“You better do that, Winchester!”

And just like that, Dean leaned in closer until his lips touched the other man’s, which Sam and Castiel weren’t able to see from that ankle, but hear the smooching noises very clearly. For the second time in only ten minutes Sam froze in place and didn’t move an inch. At some point he noticed that he hadn’t breathed either. Castiel also had gone still with wide eyes and both of them watched Dean eating the other man out with his mouth and tongue and Sam was fairly sure that it was better if he looked away, but he wasn’t able too.

He had never…like ever seen Dean kiss a man before. Not even when he had been drunk as fuck. He never had mentioned that this even was a possibility for him. Not that Dean ever had been homophobe or something like that. Not at all. He always had been on the “Whatever floats your boat” train, but this? This was not some harmless kissing in the back of a disco when drunk…this was heavy dude licking other dude action.

He should look away, but something inside of him shouted at him to watch even closer. Why? Was he suddenly going perv, or what?

He should do something. And quick that.

He cleared his throat as lout as possible and the two lovers stopped kissing, much to Sam’s relieve. But then his brother looked over the shoulder of Tattoo man to look at him questioning.

And then Tattoo man turned around to look at them too.

And that was the moment something inside of Sam shattered to reveal something bigger he knew he had been missing. He suddenly understood what his mind had tried to tell him. Why it had shouted at him to pay attention. Now…in the better light of the bar, Sam could see what the Tattoos of the black haired man showed. It was two beautiful inked wings that began in the middle of his back and spread out until the biggest feathers reached the elbow of each arm. The rest of the ink was faces and clouds, crosses and symbols that now he watched closer, reminded him to enochian writing.

The man watched the both of them with intense blue eyes, a grin on his face.

“Are you offended by guys kissing? You know…I think God is rather indifferent to sexual orientation.”

Sam blushed heavily and he didn’t know why he hadn’t recognized the voice earlier. The gravel tone in it. The soothing dark sound.

“No…no it’s not that. It…just seemed rude of us to witness such an intimate moment.  I just wanted to remind you that we were still here.”

That was lame. That was so lame he hoped that Dean was going to accept it like that without further questioning. Because he had nothing better to come up with.

“Stop teasing these poor people, Cas!” Dean laughed. He still held the other Cas in his arms tightly and rested his chin on the slightly shorter man’s shoulder.

“You know. There are still some assholes that have problems with married men.”

“We’re not such people. I shortly came to know…” Sam made a heavy sigh and continued with focus on the actual, not inked Cas sitting across the table, “that my brother had a thing for a special guy too. Obviously all of their friends and family had somehow known it, but the two of them had not figured it out for years.”

Yes…and said family had found out about one minute ago.

“Yeah...I know what you mean. Cas’s family was not really accepting of us, so we had to pretend that we were just friends for a long time too. But one day we decided that life’s too short to pretend. So we moved here and opened the bar. And named it after the place all of the fanatics think people like us go after they die.”

“Beer and Purgatory. I see.” Sam said with a knowing nod.

Dean spread a wide grin and his eyes began to shine. He gave Tattoo-Cas a gentle poke with the head.

“See, Cas? I knew people would understand that. You had doubts! Ha!”

Tattoo-Cas just rolled his eyes and snickered at his husband.

“There is ONE time I didn’t have faith in you and you have to poke on it.”

Dean kissed his lover on the cheek and gave him a smack on the ass while attending his cleaning tasks again.

“Take away he ladder and clean up the rest of the decoration. You can continue to transform this place into the damn north-pole tomorrow.”

Cas watched the two men with his mouth still agape. He only moved his eyeballs what looked really odd to Sam. He snapped his fingers in front of Castiel’s face to get back his attention.

It took a few seconds until Castiel got hold on himself and found it in him to look at Sam again. How could he possibly look at Dean’s brother after what they just had witnessed? He knew that he had no part in designing this place, nor it’s people, but he somehow felt as if someone had just caught him doing something forbidden and nasty.

“Well? Thoughts?”

He should say something. Something not stupid. Sam was counting on him.

“Why does he imagine me with so much ink on my body? And eyeliner?”

Ok…so much for not saying anything stupid about all this.

“That is all that comes to your mind, when watching all this? Is there something you wanna tell me, Cas? Did I miss something the last month or years? Wait…you and Dean didn’t….?” Sam just raised his eyebrows and didn’t know how to say it. Castiel needed a minute to figure out what the younger Winchester was talking about.

“Are you asking if Dean and I had intercourse? With each other?”

“Well…is that such a strange thing to ask? Have you seen them? That was practically Sex without penetrating…well without penetrating the deeper sections…with...parts of their lower sections. Plus: I don’t know when the last time was I stock my tongue that deep into another person’s mouth.”

“No. We never had whatever form of sexual intimacy with Dean. Not kissing or the odd way you describe having Sex. And we never talked about it. Dean never mentioned to heave romantic or sexual feelings for me.”

“I can imagine that he didn’t. Because is so damn great at talking about his feelings.” Sam could not help put let his sarcasm float into his voice.

“And you know what, Cas? I think this is something damn big here. He didn’t just make you up as a lover he is banging in some motel room….”

“Sam!” Castiel sounded offended by Sam’s choice of words. But the younger Winchester was rolling…

“He set this up like: He is actually married to you…you build up a live far away from your mean family and running a bar together. He also gave you some rebellious makeover. I never knew he had such an ink-kink…but…I think there is some more things I will learn about my brother here eventually.”

“You sound mad, Sam.”

“I AM. You know why? Because I didn’t recognize that before…and it was so obvious! It was right in front of me. And maybe a part of me knew. That is making me feel like shit. Why I didn’t see there was something so big in his life? Why didn’t I see it before? Now? Now everything makes sense! The eyefucking the two of you are doing constantly, and don’t dare to deny it, or the issue of personal space that somehow over the years vanished into nothing. Or that Dean searched in Purgatory for you for one year straight instead of going the hell out of there. Or why it hurt him so much when you were working with Crowly…or how devastated he was when Lucifer killed you…”

“He was devastated?” Castiel looked at Sam with hurt shown in his eyes. They had never actually talked about how Dean had coped with that. There had been so much else to think about.

“I swear to you, if it had not been for the search for Jack and rising him and all that shit that was about to happen…I don’t know if he had kept himself together. He wasn’t able to speak about you. He rarely really pronounced what happened that evening. It broke my heart to see my brother like this. I only have him seen acting so broken when it came to me. But with you it still is different. It somehow always was.”

Castiel suddenly watched the table very closely. As if the answers to all their questions could be found on the wooden and scratched surface.

“Be honest with me…is this mutual? This feeling my brother hid so well for all this time?”

How should he answer that? How should he tell Sam that the life of Dean, his luck everything about him was the most important thing for Castiel? All his brothers and sisters had been right. The day he had touched Dean’s soul he had been lost. He had been lost to the beauty of the soul he had dragged out of the pit. The righteous man that thought so little of himself. The man who thought he didn’t deserve a good thing on this world. Who always put the sake of others before his own. The human who had taught him so many things. With whom he had laughed more than eons before with his family back in heaven. The man who’s soul made every room shine so bright for him? The man he would so happily die for. Or so happily live for.

At some point Castiel had lost will to live his own life. Because of everything he’d failed at. Because of the endless fighting and all the mistakes that he’d made. He had lost his path.

But to know that Dean was out there. Needing him. Loving him like family. That had given Castiel a meaning again. Had given him faith again. Faith in the beautiful soul that was Dean Winchester. And as long as Dean needed him, he would never give up. He would keep going as far as it was possible.

He swallowed at  the lump of emotions that seemingly wanted to choke him at this very moment. But then he looked Sam right in the eyes and answered his question.

“I never felt for anybody like I feel for your brother. It began years ago. When I started to know him. I had no idea what this feeling was. Angels are not made to love someone else then God himself. This feeling was so strange. It sometimes felt so good and bright and at other times I just wanted to die because of the intensity of the pain. To be away from him, to betray your brother…to cause harm to him…to watch him die...it made me feel hollow inside in a way not even the rejection from heaven made me feel. Is that love?”

Sam watched the display of emotions on the angels face closely. He sighed. How could these two stubborn idiots have been so blind on each other? Why had none of them tried a step forward and addressing these feelings. They could have had something years ago. Perhaps something good for both of them. Sam felt for them because he loved them both and wanted to see them happy.

It seemed unfair that it needed the what…third (?!) apocalypse for these dorks to finally come out of their closets? And now it even might be too late. What cruel joke was that?

“Yes. I’m afraid that is love. I’m sorry the two of you didn’t get to speak about it earlier. But perhaps this is your chance…and ours as well.”

“I cannot follow.” Castiel looked at Sam, seeming a bit lost.

“Look, if this is what Dean thinks of as a happy place…there at least is one reason for him to come out again. To fight Michael.”

“There are plenty of good reasons out there. There is you and Jack, and Mary and…”

“No, Cas. It’s you.”

“Me? How so? He knows I’m there. I always was. Despite that he gave up. It’s not me.”

How could one ancient being actually be so stupid?

“Castiel the friend and brother is waiting outside as far as Dean is concerned. But this?” Sam pointed at TattooCas and Dean snickering and talking behind the bar.

“This is what would make him happy. That is something he only thinks is possible inside here. That there is nothing happy waiting for him outside. Only pain and war. But what if he knew that there was love waiting as well? A strong bond like the two of you have? I think this could give him the spirits to kick Michael in the ass!”

“I think you might overate my value to Dean.”

Sam stood up a little, reached over the table with his long arms, grabbed Castiel’s chin and forced him to actually look at Dean and the other Cas. The angel could have easily broken free form Sam’s grip, but he let him do as he pleased and did as he was asked. He looked. And then he saw it in Dean’s eyes too.

“This, my friend, is it. Look at him… I’ve known my brother my whole life. And I have never seen him looking at someone like this. Never. What he needs to find out of this dark place is light…is hope that there will be something waiting for him that is worth it. Something that makes him feel whole again. And it is what you see right there. That is it. It’s not me or our mother. He loves us as much as a son and brother can do it, but that is not enough. But this over there…this might be. This is our best shot to get him free and if you truly love my brother you will do whatever you can to show him that is love is not one sited…that it is mutual.”

Sam directed the angel’s face back to look at him.

“Dean always thought of himself so little. He never felt like he deserved to be loved for the person he is. Every other person who’d tell him he loved him he would find a way to believe that it can’t be true, because they don’t know him. But you…you know him. To the core. You’ve seen the best of him and seen him at his worst. You still have faith. You still stay by his side. You telling him that you love him and that you want him…he will have no chance to talk himself out of it. Because he knows that you wouldn’t lie to him in that matter.”

Castiel knew that Sam was right. And he wanted to tell Dean. He wanted him to look at him like he looked at that other him. Until this very moment he had no idea how bad he wanted it. But now, when the possibility was open in the room…he knew he had a chance to make something right for Dean. He had to try.

“Ok. Say I think you’re right and I go for it. Try to give him that light you speak of…how are we gonna do that when he doesn’t even recognize the real me?”

“That is something we have to think about. And quick that, before Michael finds us and everything gets screwed.”

**Author's Note:**

> I know…I have many fic’s started, but I have to write down the idea when it pops up and I simply have not much energy to work late on storys, because to write in English is still difficult for me and I also have some mental health issues that makes me feel really tired over the day.   
> After a day of work and kids…I rarely have the energy to eat.   
> But no fic will stay unfinished. The storylines for every single one I started are sketched down and I only wait for the time and mood the story needs to be continued.   
> I think I will update “Broken Tool” next time. Because I feel like “Fix it” –time and need something light to write next.  
> Or Maybe” spells with benefits2 so that I final can try myself on my first smut.  
> I think I will be able to finish the actual story with one more chapter and I hope to write it down tomorrow. Wish me luck!
> 
> And don’t forget to comment. The more I see that people are waiting the more I kick myself in the ass to write the fuck down what is in my head!


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